Book excerpt: “Mom, if your stomach was more in and your boobs were more out, you’d look really pretty.” Kids are known for making unfiltered comments at the most inopportune times. Embracing that rollercoaster, this compilation of humorous sayings by children celebrates the loopty-loo of parenting through direct quotes from the mouths of babes. Kelly Stone, stand-up comedian and mother of two, shares the outrageous—and at times oddly insightful—observations and questions she has recorded from her children over the years. As her children contemplate why they can’t just leave third grade and buy a house, whether the Tooth Fairy is really Santa Claus, and why rich people have so many bushes in front of their homes, other parents will find solidarity, commiseration, chuckles, and maybe just a few more reasons why birth control is the greatest invention ever. Mom, What is the Opposite of Guacamole? is a collection of hilarious and astute quotes from children that encourages laughter and provides the comforting knowledge that we are not the only ones whose children ask why there is cake at funerals.