Book excerpt: If you've ever thought, 'I wish I'd said that', The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotationswill ensure you're never short of a joke, quip or put-down again. Over 5,500 quotations from the funniest people of the past hundred years are here- from George Bernard Shaw ('I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation') to Woody Allen ('it's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens') and, of course, Homer Simpson ('To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!'). As well as such comedic luminaries, this book also contains witticisms from t-shirt slogans, internet sites and the ever-inventive Anon., and ranges across themes from adultery and advertising to youth and even Yugoslavia.